Awake and Breathing. Finally.

Spring time is finally here!

I don’t think anyone could not feel happy around this time of year. This spring may even beat Christmas in happiness after this past winter. Though its still very chilly the sun is shining brighter for longer, which makes me happy. This year I’ve been too busy to let my body feel that horrible sadness of vitamin D deficiency. There have been bad days but a lot fewer then previous years. School is going well and I have strong hopes that it will opens doors for me. 

I know it’s been a while. I will spare you the excuses, but delight you with – “school is coming upon it’s final couple of weeks, where I will have a full two weeks to catch up with life” The urge to push this blog somewhere is at the front of my mind (mixed with the laws of Canada and other exciting school things etc etc)

Happy Spring ladies and gentlemen!

Nakita XO

No How To Manuals on Laughing

It’s spring, and the bitter cold weather appears to have disappeared for hopefully at least another 5 months. I can feel the sun on my face and a smile arises. Yet, I feel confused. Why is my anxiety not leaving. Trying to hard to read into my dreams, to meditate more while not falling into my harsh old ways. (see  Scrupulosity) It is difficult at this time as I re-evaluate the path in life I have chosen, and if it remains the right one for the ‘new’ me.

The chest pains are beginning to overwhelm my body. Today at work I had to sit – on the floor, as I didn’t quite make it to the chair. Co-workers questioned the quick response, and for the first time I couldn’t bother to explain. “McDonald’s” I replied. We had a good laugh, which actually made me feel better 🙂

So the sun is here, and I’m forcing happiness into my body and my brain. I will beat you sad times, beware!

An Unsuccessful Fail. Finally.

I posted a photo a short while ago, about my boots being difficult to clean. A relative made a comment I was unable to read fully (which meant it got deleted either by that person or technology in general). It came across as the usual witty comments my family like to put out in the world, then it seem to turn negative, but that is where it cut off. Unable to continue reading the full comment I can not say what exactly the message was suppose to portray. After this I went on here and disconnected the posts from appearing on Facebook. It left a depressed feeling for a good couple of hours, as all that came coming to mind was what it could have said. Hence the lack of posting. Anytime I start a project no one close makes an effort to in anyway show support. A sample situation usually goes down like this:
I ask them in a everyday conversation what they thought of the blog
They make a comment how they have read the first 2 posts and how it’s – nice. (with that plain emotion look, like when people describe the “chubbier’ girl in a group of girlfriends. “She’s got a pretty face”)
I’ll mention I have more posts
“Okay cool, well when I have time I’ll take a look” -never acutally looking.
I’m left feeling like a loser, and slowl down and back away from whatever I was doing, until it has been completely forgotten. I understand not everybody can show excited towards others like I do, but every person, and everytime. Maybe I’m over reacting.
Typing these posts (or anything longer then a username and password) are not the easiest of tasks. It’s overwhelming, and because I feel I have so much to say my body usually becomes excited. While I type, I cycle my figners around a certain key (which one is different every time) I push a keymmmm mmm then reverse and type what was suppose to come out. Then I have to cross over my thumbs, and point my right thumb to the right side of my nose, twice. Can’t forget that lovely noise. Turn the volume way up, and away we go folks!
Right now my nasal pathway is on lock-down with a head cold, so this posting is tiring to say the least. I put carefull effort into everything I do.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is that the people close around me affect how I feel, about this project in particular. I wish I were brave enough so it doesn’t effect me, but it does. It’s as if my mental health doesn’t matter, a first world problem. Maybe that is the point to it all, with more awareness they wouldn’t feel so weird about it either. I’m not sure, but I will keep posting for sure, because if you can’t talk about it with someone, who can you?

Sidenote: I watched the latest episode of GIRLS last night – and Hannah has OCD. It was both exciting and a bit confusing, like why wait 18 episodes to let any of it show now. Confusing storyline surprises are not the first for that show, but it’s still very enjoyable. Though now thinking about it, I do hid mine from most people around me, so maybe it’s a good thing. I LOVED how they showed her counting. I’m a counter! People always stereotype OCD with just cleaning and organizing. They chose to wrote in counting. Maybe Lena Dunham actually has it herself. Maybe they wanted the show to come across as more real. Either way, she’s a counter, and I will never forget that.