Question for your Monday.

Someone asks you a question in regards to your mental health (as in any signs you may show and can not hide) out of their own curiosity. You explain the situation to them on the best way you know. When they come back with a “O my it’s all in your head. Western doctors have to label everything. All you have to do is stop and it’ll be fine. You are perfectly normal and nothing is wrong”

How does it make you feel?

Please comment, and I will post my feelings later. Sorry, exam time is a crazy time.

Happy Monday!

HAPPY NEW!

It’s never too late to wish someone some good old fashion happiness! Hope you’ve had an amazing holiday season, and that the first week into 2014, and brought you nothing but excitement and inspiration to carry until next year.

It has been the busiest holiday season since a few years. If you me follow on Instagram you would have noticed that my sister was up, along with her husband, visiting from Halifax. Also there seems to be a never ending amount of ice, snow, and the most interesting of shoppers. 

Anyways – to top of the past two months, this week I have officially started school! Something major I have learnt about myself, I have become too comfortable at my current job. The very things that were driving me to go back to school, are the very things I want to go back to. The anxiety has been on over drive; all this newness is coming very fast. It has made this week very long, and very tiring. That being said, the beautiful people in my life have been very supportive in their own way this week! I keep going in everyday despite the strong urge to turn around at the doors and go back to bed. Thank you! 

“final goal, final goal, final goal.” 1 week down, 18 months to go. Bring. It.

Standing up for oneself.

How easy is it for you to take a stand for your opinion and your well being?

I find around me even the most shy of people can every once in a while stand up for themselves when they are pushed too far. 

This is a big default of mine. – I usually don’t. 

I read a lot of news and I’m heavenly interested in world politics, so when something happened that other may be bothered by (i.e. working weekends, standing in long lines, etc. etc.) I feel it’s just a first world problem. At work, I’m usually chill, though don’t get me wrong, when I feel something is unfair, I’ll rant for about 10min to a fellow co-worker then quickly get over the particular situation – until the past couple of weeks. Usually, when I’m treated rudely for something of the fault for others, I keep that inside for longer then just the 10min. The situation, and many other irrational after situations reply in my mind over and over just picking away.

But ——
Last night I ended up devoting 45 minutes of time, unpaid (overtime – what’s that?). When a suggestion was made, it was clearly they just didn’t care. So I stood up for myself. I feel it may have been handled unprofessionally, I did have a stern tone, and slamming the phone wasn’t the greatest option. I do get easily frustrated at times, especially when there is already too much going on in the brain. While I do a lot of things for people, I rarely get it back, which is okay. Going the extra mile for even strangers, is something my culture is known for, I take pride in that. It does hurt though, when I need it the most, and no friend is jumping to assist. (which is usually the only time when I ask for anything back) Of course when favours are returned, it’s with a sigh – which then makes it their problem not mine.

When is a good time to stand up for yourself? I was proud I didn’t just say okay and then head down, I actually said something! 

Guilt hit soon after. Others don’t seem to feel bad standing up, so what am I missing. I’ve had panic attacks, in the past when it comes to confronting people, what is different? I can not seem to find a happy middle… 

deep breath in, deep breath out.

Today is sunny and beautiful. Just watched the sunrise. It’s a new day, and I’m ready for it. Hope yours is as great as it can be, and you continue to find true happiness in small things.

Later Diamonds xo

Look who’s BACK!

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen I have returned. I know it’s been way too long, but in all truthfulness – my boyfriend’s laptop kicked the bucket, so now I have my own laptop. (We share a lot, but that’s what it’s all about yes?)

Quick update – I now live with my boyfriend and his brother, an adjustment for sure – especially when you’re a person who needs to know where every item is and who dislikes people moving around those item without one’s permission. It’s been an experience for all three of us, but can gladly say it didn’t turn out so bad. 

I have a laptop… did I mention that? fyi – it’s my first one ever, 90’s child right here. Point to this is that now I’ll be posting more regularly. I have been working on a couple of future posts, that I think you’ll all enjoy reading, and have been making a stronger effort to keep to my word.

I have also decided to try and make YouTube videos, because I can’t spread my uniqueness enough. Serious – I tried shooting a little Instagram video of the sewing/fashion section in my living room, and my noise kept taking over. When I would replay it, there would be a sound more like I had a serious case of gas enough to take away from the point of the 11s video. I felt really dumb, I hate being bullied and this surely was just calling for it — then it hit me, who gives a flying duck. I am addicted to YouTube and watch countless others really show themselves and do well with feedback. Why not try it myself. It actually scares me so much I have serious chest pains, but I promise right here I will do my best and give it a try. I’ll link when the first one is up!!!!

That’s about the major changes since my last post. Finding happiness in the smallest of things really help calm my mind. I have meditating again, another major help. Just learning via the interweb how to do it without losing concentration every 2min. We must start somewhere, so why not the deep end!

Later diamonds xo

My tears show only for strengh, in circles of rejection.

I’m a pretty positive person. I believe people are born kind and raised to misunderstand. The sun is always shining, it’s the biggest star there is. If you fight hard enough for something, it will always turn out okay, and one day you will laugh at the rough times.

After 3 years, a thousand applications, interviews, and rejections I have found a second job. It’s a casual hire position through a local university’s bookstore. I’m working with a bunch of 20-somethings, that have yet to see 30 on the horizon. This particular job is helping out with graduates to choose to frame their expensive degrees. From Bachalors to Doctorates, hundreds of new graduates, some excited, some are crying, others are too casual, like a degree is something you can find in a convience store.

It always leaves me in mixed emotions..

I have been through more downfalls then successes. I have faced alot of rejection, from many angles. Still, I somehow find the courage and the people to help me keep fighting. I am anxious to get back to school, as it’s the only way I’ll see myself out of retail. I don’t make enough to pay my way, and student loans are no longer an option. I have no option but to get a second job, find a cheaper apartment, and save as if I’ll lose it all tomorrow. It may appear to most that my life is a consistant dead end. I came, tried, failed, now move to the side and settle. Let others take care of me?

For this thought, tears appear. Work hard and arrive no where but back at the start.

Laughter arrives, as it has since birth, after every cry.

I get back into the fight, because I realise tomorrow the sun will make the city streets brighter, even if it rains. My boyfriend will call even when he can’t. I will always find a way to keep food and shelter on my side. I will always have it all, if only in my mind.

No How To Manuals on Laughing

It’s spring, and the bitter cold weather appears to have disappeared for hopefully at least another 5 months. I can feel the sun on my face and a smile arises. Yet, I feel confused. Why is my anxiety not leaving. Trying to hard to read into my dreams, to meditate more while not falling into my harsh old ways. (see  Scrupulosity) It is difficult at this time as I re-evaluate the path in life I have chosen, and if it remains the right one for the ‘new’ me.

The chest pains are beginning to overwhelm my body. Today at work I had to sit – on the floor, as I didn’t quite make it to the chair. Co-workers questioned the quick response, and for the first time I couldn’t bother to explain. “McDonald’s” I replied. We had a good laugh, which actually made me feel better 🙂

So the sun is here, and I’m forcing happiness into my body and my brain. I will beat you sad times, beware!