I didn’t play many sports growing up, even though I sure wanted to play. Despite my parents always pushing me to be outside to suck in the fresh air, sports is something they didn’t actually care for. So I didn’t have to argue with anyone except the Gym teachers. Practice is fun – but to compete is a nightmare. My body tenses up as if someone has a gun to my head. Then it starts to shake too. Then the Tourette’s begins to worsen and it’s all down hill from there!!!
What does this have to do with OCD?
A lot. When I really want something out of life, I ask – sometimes it’s God, or angels or the universe to ‘give me a sign’.
Example 1a: I really like somebody. I find something relatable to that person then continue I search for it. Like if he shared the same name as a particular designer, every time I saw a product or garment from that label – it was a sign we were meant to be!
Example 1b: “That person with text back really soon of the current time is an odd number”. I check the phone – if it’s odd, my happiness continues for another ten minutes until I have to repeat it again. If even – well, it’a a big let down.
Example 1c: If the next person I see is wearing red, then he really does love me.
It’s not just about love. That wouldn’t be so bad and actually manageable. If that were the case, then we wouldn’t be here would we.
Example 2a: If the next car I see turn right on the NW corner is green I’ll be rich one day, really soon.
Example 3f: If the bus is at the subway waiting for me then it means I’ll get the job.
Example 2039c: Sushi (my cat) is perfectly okay if I can beat the complete random stranger on the other side of the street to the next block.
Unreal. Ridiculous. Competitive. Always a game, always. Sports are all about being competitive. I receive enough let down in my own day to day life why would I possibly put myself through it on on a field or in a court. This is where my chest pains come from I know it. Also why I always crack under other sorts of stress, that seem so little to others.
If you compete with yourself all day and how you put up with it all day long let me know!